Emotional Debt—Are You Spending an Unknown Line of Credit?

Workplace Anecdote

Roughly six months ago you had a new team member onboard, who's name is Charles. Charles is an extremely likeable guy who is personable, kind, and is always thinking of others. Because he is on your team, he is on 3-4 meetings with you weekly for different team functions, and you've been noticing a pattern: meetings used to end on time, but since Charles has been on the team these weekly meetings have been averaging 10-15 minutes of additional time. At first you thought nothing of it as he was new, learning the company landscape, and asking a lot of great questions. However, now six months past his start date, this behavior has wasted countless hours of your precious work time and you are having to take work home to finish projects on time.

Six months of this has brought you to your wit's end, and because you thought management would have taken care of it by now you have harbored ill feelings towards Charles, and avoid him at all costs expecting he will waste more of your time, which you cannot afford.

Personal Debt

Here's the hard truth: All ill emotions harbored towards others only affect you. Period.

In this situation, Charles is oblivious that you have any ill emotions towards him, as he only sees you in team meeting settings. Additionally, because you have not given him any feedback (positive feedback or constructive feedback), Charles has no idea what you feelings are, or that he has been wasting your time for so long. In situations exactly like this, avoiding difficult workplace conversations (or personal conflicts) functions exactly like high-interest credit card debt—you're racking up (emotional) charges by not addressing the issue which creates high-interest payments in the future. I can't stress enough, this will only be affecting you, NOT Charles. Research shows that up to 95% of the workforce struggles to confront colleagues and managers. In other settings, 59% of Americans actively stay quiet in conversations to avoid tension, and up to 67% take extra measures to avoid disagreeing with a coworker. These are huge numbers, so if you fall into this trap it's more than normal, but the key is figuring out how to get yourself out of this habit and work towards building a world in which you take back your time by utilizing conflict to your advantage.

Steps to Addressing Workplace Conflict

Step #1: Acknowledgement

The first step is acknowledging that the hardest part of everything is starting.

• Validate the situation: Accept that a conflict exists instead of ignoring it.

• Accept the friction: Recognize that professional disagreements are a natural part of teamwork.

• Stop the escalation: Intervene early before minor frustrations turn into deep resentment.

• Own your part: Admit your personal role in the misunderstanding if you are directly involved.

  
  

Step #2: Discussion

Hold a private, calm conversation to actively listen to all perspectives, separate objective facts from emotions, and uncover the root causes of the miscommunication or clashing goals.

• Hear both sides: Listen actively to all perspectives without immediately forming a defense.

• Stick to facts: Separate objective work issues from personal feelings or assumptions.

• Identify root causes: Uncover the underlying miscommunications, resource constraints, or clashing goals.

• Maintain neutral tones: Keep conversations private, calm, and focused entirely on professional solutions.

  
  

Step #3: Resolution

Collaborate to find mutually agreeable compromises, and schedule regular check-ins to ensure the same problem doesn't happen twice.

• Find mutual fixes: Find a compromise that satisfies both parties' core needs.

• Define clear actions: Establish specific, measurable changes in behavior or workflow moving forward for all parties involved.

• Check back later: Schedule follow-up meetings to evaluate progress and to make certain the same problem doesn't happen twice.

Don't overspend your emotional credit, it's like sweeping raw chicken under the rug; it may seem fine for now, but you're going to have much bigger problems in the future. After all, the sooner you address the conflict the sooner its over and all parties can move forward.